Roman Holiday: Mauricio mixed up in Chelsea's latest mash-up
The mash-up of national dramas, cultural miscues and geopolitical rivalries at Chelsea FC have prospective manager Mauricio Pochettino wistful for familial camaraderie of PSG.
Three weeks in a row for the Roman Holiday satire segment. Now that’s a treble Chelsea fans can celebrate! And remember: this is satire. Hopefully making that doubly explicit will protect our contributors from whatever “decent bantz are mean jokes are hate speech is literal violence” is the latest excuse to drag people through their domestic-but-increasingly-one-world-government-looking-at-you-Chelsea-co-owner-Hansjorg-Wyss court systems. It’s OK - we’re punching up! - GP, EIC, IACT
Rhondda’s Russian-routing MP targets Malvinas Mauricio
First, the UK government ousted Chelsea’s former owner, Roman Abramovich, from the country because of his alleged connection to a war they weren’t actually a part of. They then forced him to sell the club he had owned for the best part of 20 years. A year on from that, Argentine Mauricio Pochettino appears ready to be installed as Chelsea’s latest manager, yet the powers that be in Westminster remain silent.
For those unfamiliar, in 1982 Argentina invaded the Falkland Islands, a British Overseas Territory in the South Atlantic ocean that Argentines call the Malvinas (and that a former American president - not the one you think! - called the Maldives). A dispute between the two countries had been on-going since the 1800’s. The ensuing conflict saw nearly a thousand lives lost. It was serious stuff.
At the forefront of Abramovich’s demise was Labour Member of Parliament, Sir Chris Bryant. He relentlessly campaigned for the removal of the West London club's former Russian owner.
Now, he is absolutely fuming. He was just settling back into his run-of-the-mill parliamentary life when another Chelsea scandal comes along, quite out of the Blue(s). The Conservative government’s apparent policy of non-intervention, abject apathy or blunt unknowingness with regards to Pochetino's appointment is forcing the Rhondda MP to, once again, examine the goings-on of Chelsea FC.
“We were quite happy to force Abramovich out of Chelsea because he was linked to Putin. But we are willing to allow the same team to potentially benefit from having an Argentine at the helm?” Bryant asked. “We got rid of the Russian off the back of a war we’re not directly involved with, but allow an Argentinian to manage them despite a war we were in. If I may be blunt, it’s fucking madness.”
The Falklands sovereignty status continues to be a part of an ongoing dispute between Argentina and the UK. Nonetheless, Mauricio Pochettino is setting up camp in SW6 unless Rhondda’s crusading MP is able to force the government’s hand once again. - Kevin Peacock
Todd Boehly belabors the art of the deal
Mauricio Pochettino is the new Chelsea manager. Wait, that’s not right. Mauricio Pochettino will be the new Chelsea manager. No? Let’s try that again. Mauricio Pochettino is, allegedly, highly likely to become the new Chelsea manager, at least to the extent that various journalists have staked their credibility and credentials on same conclusion: the deal between Pochettino and Chelsea is essentially done. Here we go!
And still, we wait for white smoke to rise from the chimney of the Cobham canteen. Potentially holding up the official announcement, per very legitimate sources who point to their own attestation and their blue tick on Twitter to reify their legitimacy, are a few lingering hurdles to jump over and hoops to jump through.
Apparently, Todd Boehly and Pochettino were in a meeting late into Wednesday night in London, trying to iron out the final details of the contract. Speaking anonymously for reasons that may or may not have anything to do with Home Secretary Suella Braverman, the official club janitor confirmed that he heard “That’s not how it works, Mr. Boehly!” repeatedly coming from the executive suites. He also claimed that he heard various forms of “Ay dios mio” and “¡me cago en laputa!” - in Spanish - in “that awful Argentinian accent that makes me want to stick a pencil in my ear.”
The club did not respond to our request for comment on this outrageously racist remark by such a high ranking employee.
One of the points of contention in the contract, and allegedly the reason for the “That’s not how it works, Mr. Boehly” is a clause that requires Mauricio Pochettino to guarantee that he will charm Lionel Messi and any future Messis into signing for Chelsea. It’s unclear if this refers to actual familial relations of Lionel Messi, or non-related players who are dubbed “The [insert nationality or non-state ethnicity] Messi” here, e.g., Marko Marin (German Messi), Travis Mutyaba (Ugandan Messi) and Chanathip Songkrasin (Thai Messi).
This mirrors Todd’s approach when hiring Graham Potter.
At that time, the target was Jude Bellingham, who was supposedly bedazzled by Potter’s Englishness and a last name that reminds him of his favorite childhood fictional character. Frank Lampard was the last throw of the dice, as he is the only other Englishman Todd has heard of with an association with Germany: a World Cup goal that was disallowed despite being the goaliest of goals you’ll ever see.
Bellingham’s almost immediate agreement with Real Madrid is wholly unrelated to Todd’s laughably transparent attempts to tempt the generational talent. Evidently, while “money attracts money,” nationality does not attract nationality, at least not between prospective managers and players.
There has also been a logistical reason for the delay. An early draft of the contract was flagged as spam for containing too many exclamation marks after “Congratulations.” After the club re-sent it, they forgot to attach the contract to the email. And a third time, the contract Pochettino received had the name “J. Nagelsmann” penciled in all the places where one is supposed to sign.
As these obstacles dissolve and attrition seems increasingly just not worth it (“I’m so tired,” Todd and Pochettino both posted on Tumblr), the mini saga seems to be coming to an end.
Unless Todd has pulled a fast one and slipped in a clause in the fine print requiring Pochettino to accept the Falklands’ accession NATO - because Russia, natch - the whole thing should be wrapped up and official by the weekend. - Abhishek Pancholi
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