Chelsea, where Premier League's chickens go to s***
The Premier League's latest investigation against Chelsea is laughable. What it says about the Premier League, and what it masks, are not.
Comedy is in the details, so let's tip our hats towards Martyn Ziegler for the detailed, deadpan delivery, and towards the Premier League for their commitment to the bit.
Ziegler builds well, reporting early in his piece that the Premier League's latest investigation of Chelsea FC is the result of self-reporting by Chelsea's new owners. That's good for a couple here-we-go-again eye rolls. He then drips in that the investigation centers around transactions that occurred between 2012 and 2019. Wry grins, head shake, breathy omg. So sometime between the trophies in Munich and Baku. Starting in the days of AC3 + JT vs. AVB, extending all the way to Kepa vs. Sarri at Wembley. From Frank Lampard featuring in highlight clips of late runs into the box to Frank Lampard appearing in the preseason video that gave this site its name.
Ziegler could have held off on the punchline a bit longer, but not everyone has Norm McDonald's patience for building a joke through meandering details before climaxing in Chekhovite absurdity ("Cuz the light was on!"). If he's guilty of anything, Ziegler buried the comedic lede.
Sources with knowledge of the case have said that payments to about six offshore companies have been identified, which are believed to have been linked to the transfer of players. The payments, which run into seven figures, appear not to have been registered as part of the club’s annual financial reporting to the FA, Premier League and UEFA.
Some of the offshore companies have been traced to... - The Times
*record scratch* *rewinds tape VHS style*
"The payments, which run into seven figures..."
Seven figures? So, less than 10 million pounds or euros, bones or clams or whatever you call them. Spread over seven years, starting 11 years ago and ending four years ago.
Gold, Jerry. Gold.
But as Frank Lampard himself would say, haha no, but seriously...
Defining down the “Campaign against Chelsea?”
Roman Abramovich has been spotted only a handful of times in the last 18 months. Chelsea will not be playing in Europe this season; and while they are favored to finish in the top six this season, their odds for doing so are closer to those of Aston Villa and Brighton than to those of Arsenal. The fines for this seven figure misfeasance will, one would think, be in the lower seven or even six figure range, which would be well below the fines Chelsea recently paid to UEFA and a fraction of the £100 million Todd Boehly withheld from the purchase price for just such "unforeseen liabilities." The fines will be on par with Chelsea's purchases of Ethan Ampadu and Gabriel Slonina, the only players Chelsea have bought since 2016 whose transfer fees "(ran) into seven figures."
It's difficult, then, to chalk this up as part of the "campaign against Chelsea" because the infractions are so small and the consequences so, well, inconsequential. Both the crime and the punishment are at Queegian levels of chickenshit.
Maybe, for once, it's not about Chelsea.
Premier League taking cover behind Chelsea fines
Chickenshit virtuosi can, for a time, convince third parties that they are scrupulously and meticulously enforcing high, rigorous standards. This follows from the virtuosi convincing themselves that that is what they are doing.
Context is the killer. Chickenshit often masks or compensates for critical deficiencies in the leader's ability to execute their actual mission or mandate.
If all you see is the chickenshit, you can logically assume that the same rigor applies to all aspects of the organization, all the way up through the one or two big things. In some cases, the rigor and scruple does extend through everything. That's the Queegian form of chickenshit: he could justify his actions in battle as minutely and convincingly as he did the strawberry incident, reducing the men of the Caine to arguing "You had to be there." But taking a defensible action is not the same as demonstrating competence, let alone command of a situation.
A more illustrative example, then, is Captain Herbert Sobel from the book and miniseries "Band of Brothers." He "generated maximum anxiety over matters of minimum significance" through his cruel and capricious manner of enforcing uniform, barracks and physical training standards. That could be tolerable - he was preparing men for war, after all - except he "had neither common sense nor military experience. He could not read a map."
The Premier League needs chickenshit as a diversion, gloss or counterclaim right now because they know they capitulated on the big one: Newcastle's purchase by the Saudi Public Investment Fund. They also know that they'll be arguing for some time with the Football Association over the Premier League's responsibility to support teams down the pyramid, particularly in the shadow of the teams that went into administration as a result of the 360°, four dimensional, undiluted failure that was the COVID-19 response by these and every other English institution (just because it was as bad or not as bad as other places doesn't change the assessment). Additionally, the Premier League continues to lag on concussion protocols - no more so than the rest of football, but England has had more media scrutiny on the effects of brain trauma on current and retired players than any other football (the soccer form) league but still lack more stringent protocols.
There are others.
Bringing it all back around, they may even think they missed a previous big one and didn't act early or extensively enough against Roman Abramovich, allowing the government to paint them a black eye in 2022 when Russia invaded Ukraine.
The Saudi government is using Newcastle and football globally to sportwash 1.0 their many crimes. To compensate for their enabling role, the Premier League is using chickenshit enforcement to sportwash 2.0 this and their other current and continuing failures.
Which means we can expect more of this from the Premier League, and likely from other governing bodies. The Blues will play their role, but it won't just be them. Chelsea will always be a convenient whipping boy and shelf stable villain, but that's the beauty of chickenshit: there's always an infraction just waiting to be found. And if you can't find it, just figure out whose turn it is.
Look for the governing bodies to occasionally generate some tough-on-crime headlines, pad their enforcement stats and, in doing so, gin up a few online lulz from fans of the rivals of whichever team is in the crosshairs this month.
With so little else to smile about, maybe Roman Abramovich can appreciate the humor in this situation.
Photo credit: Jon Candy / Flickr, under CC BY-SA 2.0.