English football needs a better response to Todd Boehly than "Damn Yankee"

Football luminaries embarrass themselves and hold back the game when they reflexively condemn Chelsea owner Todd Boehly for floating new ideas.

Bloody Americans. Overpaid, over-sexed and over here was a common refrain when the Yanks arrived on British shores in 1942 to aid the fight against Hitler’s Germany. Of course, as a country, we were and remain grateful for that assistance to this day. However, some eighty years on, as the UK goes from Prime Minister to Prime Minister, and feels a bit sorry for itself, a new trans-Atlantic invasion is underway.

There’s possibly more American ownership in the Premier League than you’d imagine. Certainly more than I'd thought. There’s Stan Kroenke at Arsenal, Wesley Edens at Aston Villa, John Textor at Crystal Palace, Shahid Khan at Fulham, and 49ers Enterprises at Leeds United, plus Fenway Sports Group and the Glazer family owning Liverpool and Manchester United, respectively.

None of the above has really concerned the mass football media. While the moneyed Americans stirred the pot at their respective clubs, those that comment and report on the goings-on have primarily ignored it leaving the protestations to the supporters. Until, as you’d expect, Todd Boehly’s arrival in SW6 sparked an increased interest in American ownership. And, as you’d undoubtedly expect, this is Chelsea, so the focus is very much in the negative.

Gary Neville recently has been vociferous in criticizing his former club, Manchester United, and the club owners, the Glazer family. It’s his club, so all well and good. But the manner in which he jumped on Boehly for suggesting a Premier League North vs. South all-star game crossed a line. Boehly was simply bouncing a concept around the room, and Neville all but called for a Restoration of the English game.

So deep-rooted is the affinity we have with our clubs that any critique from outside our insular family drills hard into the foundation. Chelsea owners are damned if they do, and damned if they don’t. Roman Abramovich “ruined the game with his wealth.” Boehly is set to do the same because he has some ideas. In reality, the Russian made the Premier League the spectacle it is today. Money attracts more money, and as Chelsea invested so did other clubs. The old big three - United, Arsenal and Liverpool - became half of the big six, as a new Manchester City was sired in the UAE, and even Tottenham invested as they looked to join the party.

What Neville and some others have, perhaps, conjured in their heads is the stereotype of a brash, loud-mouthed Yank barging into “their” game and performing some kind of Americanisation that will see countless rule changes and an influx of razzmatazz.

The critics can’t really be upset about the money. The US money is already in the game. So is money from many other nations. The American money is not the problem. It’s welcome, as long as the Americans keep their goddamn mouths shut.

You say you want a revolution?

However, if we are to have new ideas, let’s really rock the entitled Premier League boat and the cronies it supports.

In American sports, there are designated players who just perform one role. For instance, in baseball, there is a designated hitter. Briefly, the players who pitch the ball are not that great at hitting it back with the bat when it’s their turn. So, in half of Major League Baseball, the pitcher can be replaced at the plate with someone who can do the job better.

In Chelsea’s case, that could mean just using Jorginho to take penalties. That would be his job, his only impact on the game. When the Blues are awarded a pen, Jorginho comes off the bench, hops, skips and jumps, slots the ball into the back of the net, and is back in his seat before the fans are done celebrating. Perfect.

Looking at baseball again, the three strikes and you’re out rule could be adapted for players who are unable to beat the first man / woman at a corner. During his time with the Blues, Willian would have been off the pitch after the third corner. This season, Mason Mount probably wouldn’t be allowed to take corners.

What else could Chelsea's owner swap between baseball and soccer?

Of course, there are more obvious introductions. Timeouts. Each side has one chance for the manager or, in the case of Graham Potter, coach, to stop play and discuss tactics with his team mid-game. In reality, these already exist. Prolonged injury breaks and drinks breaks in hot weather both allow this to occur, so it’s perhaps not as radical or game-changing as it first seems. Simply making things official.

And why restrict the Americanisms to the pitch, sorry, field? Imagine, if you can, the “kiss cam” panning across the Matthew Harding Lower speculatively searching out potential romantic suitors for broadcast on the Stamford Bridge big screens. Maybe that is a stretch too far, so,let’s think outside the box. Instead of kiss cam, how about “piss-ed cam,” that’s much more likely to hit the spot?

Those snappy wordsmiths in media land would do well to join the party. Sky and their like, now realising that women’s football is a thing, wisely have decided to drop “man of the match” in favour of “player of the match.” That may satisfy the woke folk, but it’s simply not American enough. In Boehly’s world, the Literally Most Awesome Player of the Game brought to you by Taco Bell would be much more satisfying.

The broadcast crew surely could enhance the beautiful game in other ways, leading to an overhaul of the sport’s vernacular.

American English can be so much more empathetic and to the point than Ye Olde English. This is particularly important following the arrival of the somewhat dour Englishman, Graham Potter. The Cobham corridors could resound with the sound of Potter touching base with Blues captain Cesar Azpilicueta, before running his formation ideas up the flag pole, and reaching out to N’Golo Kante as he recovers from yet another injury before doubling down the pain on those players late for team meetings.

Haha, but seriously, these are important conversations

Was Boehly right to suggest an All-Star North versus South game for the Premier League? Of course, he was.

Let’s face it: the world of football has always been backwards in moving forwards. We had to wait for Frank Lampard’s ghost goal against Germany at the 2010 World Cup for FIFA to even consider goal-line technology. The introduction of the Video Assistant Referee has simply been mismanaged using fine margins and mathematical equations to decide on off-side decisions. The rest of the footballing / soccering world has no such problems with it.

VAR was all about overturning clear and obvious errors by Anthony Taylor (at least that’s how Chelsea fans see it). It was never meant to be as analytical. We just made it as such.

Off the back of that, new ideas should be embraced and Todd Boehly applauded, not reviled, for doing what Americans do so well and opening his loud American mouth.

Cover photo credit: Ungry Young Man / Flickr, under CC BY 2.0.