Roman Holiday: Todd Boehly looks for an early out
If Chelsea fans want respite from misery other than Spurs’ weekly Innovations in Bottling, we’re going to need to turn to the realms of misinformation, disinformation and fake news.
After another unconscionably, irredeemably, unimaginable-until-a-short-time-ago bad week at Chelsea FC, reality is clearly not our friend. If we’re to have any respite from the misery other than Spurs’ weekly Innovations in Bottling, we’re going to need to turn to the realms of misinformation, disinformation and fake news. So grab a prawn sandwich and a pint of white wine in honor of Leeds’ latest legend, Big Sam – or a prawn bhuna and a barrel of right-on sanctimony in honor of Dan Levene – and settle in for a trip to an alternate Blue universe where it couldn’t possibly be any worse, but it will at least be entertaining.
Todd Boehly plots his exit strategy
Recognizing the failure of his post-game talks to motivate the players or educate the coaching staff, Todd Boehly is looking for the exits rather than personal / professional growth. Seeing the protracted process taking place at Manchester United and not wanting to self-inflict more misery, Boehly is reportedly engaged in talks with the Wagner Group, Russia’s viciously criminal mercenary organization.
“The quicker I can become the target of international sanctions – or, at the very least, get on the UK’s blacklist – the sooner I can rectify the mistakes of last spring.”
Boehly previously tried intoning the word “oligarch” in front of the bathroom mirror during a slumber party with Behdad Eghbali, hoping but failing to summon the ghost of Boris Johnson.
Instead, they just received shitlord memes from Piers Morgan. - George MJ Perry
Todd Boehly taps Hollywood pals in quest for success
It’s no big secret that since taking over Chelsea FC, Todd Boehly has struggled to emulate his Russian predecessor at the helm of London’s finest football club.
Roman Abramovich bought Chelsea when, in terms of success, they were on an upturn after years in the doldrums. Abramovich’s money allowed the Blues to push harder on the accelerator. Success followed success until Vladimir Putin came along and dragged his comrade into an untenable position. We know how that all ended.
Boehly’s Clearlake consortium arrived like knights in shining armour with a bountiful bucket full of bucks intent on returning Chelsea to the top.
Player after player was drafted in at great expense and, as the season unfolded, Boehly appeared intent on causing destruction in SW6. Thomas Tuchel was ousted in favour of Graham Potter who left before the season ended after a string of horrendous results. Frank Lampard was chosen to steady the boat but has, so far, only hastened the lifeboats into the sea.
Fortunately for Blues fans and sympathizers, Todd Boehly has access to some of Hollywood’s “B”-listers. It’s been documented that chat show host James Corden tipped Boehly the wink over Lampard’s availability post-Potter.
More than that, though, word along King’s Road is that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone have been down in Cobham working on some of the players' fitness levels.
Both Arnie and Sly have been shocked at what had been going on whilst Potter was in charge. A spokesman for the club was unwilling to confirm the removal of fitness equipment to make room for personnel, nor would they elaborate on there being not only ketchup available at the lunch counter but barbecue sauce, too.
An eyewitness, however, did spot a drizzle of brown sauce on the corner of Christian Pulisic’s mouth as ran out onto the Cobham turf. -Kevin Peacock
Missed connections, Cobham edition
It has come to light that Emma Hayes was offered the chance to take over as manager of Chelsea men’s senior squad in a first-of-its-kind, glass-ceiling-shattering dual role that would have seen her carry on her duties with the Women’s team.
Todd Boehly offered her the interim post that Frank Lampard ultimately accepted.
Following Graham Potter’s departure there was a desperation to get some kind of motivation into a group of players who appeared to have stagnated. Hayes, who has been with Chelsea for 11 years, is seen by the Blues board as Proper Chels and someone who would be able to drag the men’s squad out of its screaming malaise.
Hayes, however, whilst happy with her own management skill set, felt that it would be easier to land a balloon on the moon than get a tune out of this current bunch of players. -Kevin Peacock
Todd Boehly plots his exit strategy, Part II
Defamation lawsuits are all the rage among politicians and billionaires these days, which makes this a good point to reiterate what we said above: this is pure satire, and poor satire, at that.
Anywho, defamation lawsuits are all the rage among politicians and billionaires these days, and Todd Boehly’s FOMO combined with his desire to get himself clear of Chelsea FC have him preparing to file a defamation lawsuit against the Wall Street Journal.
“The Wall Street Journal’s front page article of May 1, 2023, ‘[Jeffrey] Epstein’s Private Calendar Reveals Prominent Names,’ failed to mention my client a single time,” Boehly’s personal lawyer said in a press release. “As a proud member of The Three Comma Club, one who went so far as to acquire a foreign soccer (sic) team as a vanity project and then micromanage it into the ground in a manner of months, my client is as stereotypical a billionaire globalist power broker as any of the individuals mentioned by the Journal in their article. By excluding Mr. Boehly from this authoritative list of Who’s Who in global finance, power and prestige, they have reduced him to the status of a mere tradesman, impugning and defaming him amongst his peers.”
A review of public and private documentation related to the Jeffrey Epstein case reveal that not only did Mr. Boehly never visit Epstein’s private island in the Caribbean – dubbed “Sex Slave Island” because of the frequent presence of Prince Andrew – but that Messrs. Boehly and Epstein never even met, nor did they have any mutuals.
Asked to comment on our investigation, Boehly’s lawyer responded:
“We do not contest the Wall Street Journal’s omission, nor do we dispute your findings that there are no personal, professional, financial nor blackmail ties between my client and the deceased (lol) Epstein. Our case centers around the fact that my client felt unduly excluded from the article, merely because the facts support his exclusion. Facts are violence, as you well know.”
A source speaking exclusively on background agreed with that statement, adding “He’s really hoping that if he’s connected to Epstein, his assets – including Chelsea Football Club – will be seized by the US, UK, US Virgin Islands… really any government that can claim jurisdiction.
“He even considered buying a stack of bitcoin, then calling it a shitcoin on stage at the World Economic Forum , all in the hopes that [El Salvador President Nayib] Bukele will throw him in one of those MS-13 prisons and put him out of his misery.”
Failing all that, the source said, “Todd will just put up a banner at Stamford Bridge saying that he has information leading to the arrest of Hillary Clinton, and nature will take its course from there.” - George MJ Perry
